writing woes :(

Once upon a time, I loved to write. That was due to the false belief that I could write. But, I can’t. I just can’t. I write horribly. This piece itself is a perfect example of how badly I write. What am I doing in a course like Comm E? I shouldn’t be here. I am guilty of stealing a much coveted seat from someone more deserving; from someone who passionately desires to write. Wait, that’s me! Guess then, I stole this seat from someone who passionately desires to write and CAN write passionately well. That’s not me. I write horribly. I lack individuality. I lack style. My writing doesn’t appeal to people and if that is the case, then why write at all? Isn’t it futile to shout yourself hoarse when your screams fall on deaf ears? Everything points to the unpalatable fact that I can’t write- my Comm. E marks, the gradual but noticeable decline in my enthusiasm and interest levels for the course in its entirety and even words elude me now unlike good old times when they tripped over each other in their haste to be told. All the folks who told me that I could write and do a good job at it… thank you for being such lovely liars! I can’t write and that’s a heart – wrenching fact. *sigh* I find writing insufferable and tedious now. Dear me! I detest writing!

Me- then and now

I was so different when I was a child. I was wild, uncontrollable, brimming with enthusiasm and the ambitious desire to own the world. In fact then, I really did think that I was the owner, the sole proprietor of the world. Oh, don’t confuse me with God. I didn’t think I was Him. I just thought that I was a very close friend of His and that He had sent me here to set things right. In fact, when I was exposed to the concept of Christ and his sacrifice, I thought I was him reborn! I aint kidding!! I earnestly felt that God was tired of sending him again in the form of a man, so He picked me and packed me down here!

And I firmly believed in that idea because whenever I came up with an original idea, mind you I was very original then, it was copied by others!! I swear! All those brilliant ideas that did wonders to our economy and surroundings were mine! They were my musings and reflections and I never whispered a word about them to any other soul. Obviously then, the tactile form of those ideas took me by great surprise! That was when it dawned on me that I was the channel through which these progressive thoughts could be transferred to others. All I had to do was to think! That’s it! And by some inexplicable process, these creative outbursts would spread to the lesser mortals!

But later I grew up and that lovely and whimsical world in which the child-me resided, was left behind. I realized to my dismay, that I didn’t own the world. And that all- consuming desire to conquer the world backfired. The world conquered me instead! I didn’t have the power to set things right. The things just kept going wrong and I couldn’t do anything about it. I changed into something better or worse, God and maybe You alone know. I discovered that I had flaws too and I sincerely tried to overcome them and become good. Well, that didn’t do me any good! Consequently I changed again, but this time I transformed into a rude monster.

The dire poverty that inspired me to believe that I could change the world doesn’t affect me today. The sight of slums which pushed the seven year old me to take an oath unto myself that I will become the prime minister of India someday is conveniently blurred by the sight of sky rise appartments today. I have become numb and am not comfortable with that. No, I am not.

I want to return to the old me because I was so different when I was a child…

ah... morbid reality!

Has anyone given any thought to death? That curse which will kill the curse of life. That fanciful idea which will put an end to everything and maybe be a beginning to something inconceivable. Has anyone else been scared to imagine herself/himself cramped in a long hole, dug up somewhere in a miniscule part of earth? That one hole where earth enfolds you in her all-encompassing, cold embrace.

When we do die, will the world grieve? Or lets be particular here, when I die, will the world grieve? When my cup of life spills, would I myself grieve? Would I then implore God to give me one more day to set things right if they are wrong? Would He be cruel then and grant me my wish? Would the people I hold dear be kind then and forgive me of my sins?

When I breathe my last, would I have found love? Or wait, that’s a silly question because I already did find love! The point is, would I have found happiness in love. When I die, will those unspoken words haunt me in my grave? Will my tacit ideas be understood or will they die a silent death as well?

Alas! The ways of the world are harsh and too many ‘woulds’ plague my consciousness… too many! And they will never die….

I do...

I sat down and cried today. I sat down after what seemed like a tiring journey. I have no idea if I left my footprints behind or if the wind had been cruel enough and wiped them away. I sat down and cried for all the heartaches. I cried for all the smiles that were gone and would never return. I sat down and cried for that which was not mine. I sat down and cried looking at the road ahead. I cried because I knew that the path I tread led to doom. To inconceivable doom. But, I knew I had to carry on nevertheless, and I cried for that. I cried for all that was lost. I cried for all that I had acquired but would lose anyhow. I sat down and looked ahead. A fog of memories blurred my vision. A past that would shape my future. I cried for the moment that had slipped through my fingers. The fleeting hopes crushed. Oh! How I cried!

A random thought

My tests are fast approaching… five more days! That’s it… and I am not even sure about my portions! Maybe, I am still recuperating from the shock of doing very well in my second sem, maybe I am still savouring the success of finally making it to that glorious, very- rare- to- attain spot of getting 70+ in my o e paper, maybe I have lost all interest in my ability to write and thereby in the entire comm. e syllabus lined out for the third sem… well, whatever be the reason, it is quite clear that I do not intend to touch my books (the academic books that is) till it is absolutely necessary. And the absolute necessity arises only on the eve of the test!

So, what am I doing with my time? Oh, books always come to my rescue, you know!! I have finished reading four novels in this past one week and the book that made the most impact on me was ladies coupe by anita nair. Well, I really recommend it to you guys! Women, read it because you might just see yourself reflected in at least a few of those lines. Men, read it if you want to understand women better! I really liked the way she has woven the stories of six women in a train journey! The sheer beauty of her style is so very gripping. I mean, it kept me stuck to the book and I couldn’t leave it for even a single minute till I finally finished it. Only mystery books can do that for me, but this one definitely doesn’t fall in that genre. Its just a simple narrative but as I said before its extremely gripping …

Well, if you do read it, do tell me if you like it … I’d really like to know that.